"We don't need to talk about this right?"

The first thing Mitzi said when she entered the class. I did have some questions but no worries, I can chill by the pool (as I did).

... the last of the humans freedoms - is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way - Viktor Frankl

The best response is no response

I am 100% still learning this. If you know me I am just recently speaking up. Navigating between when to say how I feel and when to just put zero energy into it has been interesting. The other day I wanted to just say it all, but something told me "why is this your worry?" so I just prayed on it. Time will always tell. The next day the truth set its self free.

Be around people who are better than you

I listened to a podcast today about mental models (see below). Happily not going to go into that but I am coming to the conclusion that i-o (possibly more o than i) is the therapy I needed. Recently I have been feeling lonely. Five minutes ago I watched a video on Instagram suggesting that my loneliness is just God separating me. HIT. Because if you know me I love being alone. Give me some food, a movie, popcorn, a drink, and a good movie. Yet, here I am acting like I haven't felt like this my whole life. Why is now so different? Why have I felt like this my whole life?

Separation

When I was in high school I was only about playing softball in college. Whether it was 110% my choice to not have a life outside of softball is beside the point. I never felt like I was where everyone else was. Then I went to college. Even then I wanted things people next to me didn't. Following this, I wanted to get my doctorate. For the first time, it wasn't just that I was the only one I knew going to pursue a PhD but that this program was a new dream of mine. So I am here. Learning so much, curious about anything and everything and yet I feel lonelier than ever. It's not just ambition, I believe the way I see things has changed. God is changing quite literally my eyes. He is separating me from my old self.

So how do I intentionally separate myself? Be conscious, make meaning in life, understand everyday trade-offs, and be aware of where you invest your time. Sometimes things don't deserve our time. Unfortunately, knowing that separates us. Because we don't get mad, gossip, feed in, or any of that nonsense to people. And when they can't get a reaction from you, when you come back unfazed and unbroken, they don't get it. And honestly, God is separating me so much they shouldn't get me & I don't want them to.

In the end, as I stated in a past blog, we just have to change our eyes. Maybe imposter syndrome isn't such a bad thing. Maybe being in this town of mine is a blessing. Maybe just a girl carries more weight than we know. And just maybe, feeling lonely is a compliment because if Satan targets me, then I am doing something right. So the next time I call n TjMaxx’s parking lot just tell me “We don’t need to talk about this right?” Cause I already know what’s going on. Anyways. Tilman told me the only person I need to talk to is LaTech Alums LOL. See Tilman got it.

Xoxo, Ms. Lonely, parting ways, and beyond grateful 31 week PhD student